Private Thoughts
By Jackie (airashii@airashii.org)

Notes: Hellsing (http://hellsing.nu/) fanfic.  This doesn't take place 
during the Hellsing series but at some indefinite point afterwards.  
Very short.  IntegralxAlucard.




For you, time must flow endlessly.

The minutes into hours, the hours into days, the days into weeks.  Soon, a
 year passes by, a year which to you must feel like nothing, having lived 
for so long.  Time must pass differently for you, or else you could not 
bear living for eternity.

I wonder if you dream.  You would never really tell me; curious as I was as
 a child, I plagued you with endless questions.  I recall my innocence with
 some bitter sweetness, with some embarrassment, that fascination with you... 
 Not that it has changed.  (Am I really the same child I was ten years ago?)

"Alucard, do you dream when you sleep?"
"Alucard, does it hurt when you turn into mist or bats?"
"Alucard, do vampires ever feel lonely, being by themselves?"

You humored me, although you never really answered my questions.  I was your
 master, and you were obligated to answer me, to placate my insatiable need
 to know.  The truth, I soon learned, comes in many forms, none of them
 remotely resembling truth, but which are not falsehoods, either.

You taught me many things, even if you were never serious with me.  I hold 
them so close to me, the memories, the lessons.  Father, Walter, you.  They
 and you are a part of me, of who I am.  I could never forget you, even if
 I wanted to.

But you, on the other hand...

Will you remember me years from now, when I am gone?  I will age, weaken, 
and die, while time, for you, is endless, is a passing moment.  When I'm
 gone, how will you remember me?  Will I be just another human to you?  
Or even less?  A distant memory, the faint caress of a day weeks ago gone
 by?

I wonder if you will remember our conversations at night, when all others
 were asleep.  Just the two of us were in that room: the faint scent of 
cigar smoke hanging around us, the sound of your voice as you humored me 
like you always have, or, now that I am older, criticize, bait, and act 
disagreeable as you are apt to be.

I wonder if you will remember those nights, even when we said nothing, 
sitting in comfortable silence, acknowledging each other's presence 
with only the faintest of glances, gazing at the moon.

I used to think that you kept me company, those late nights when I was 
overworked and stressed; that you came to distract me from my worries 
with your acidity and cool humor.

Perhaps, though, it was really I who helped you- I, who for a little
 while made eternity seem distant...

I wonder if you ever felt lonely.

You must have.

Or maybe that was only me, who felt lonely even when you were near me... 
That ache in my chest which I never spoke of, although it sometimes was
 so painful I wanted to scream... even when you were there... because 
you were still always so far away.

I wonder if you have ever loved another.
"Alucard, do vampires ever fall in love?"
You wouldn't answer that either.
If I asked you that now, what would you say?

When I want to throw everything away for a wild dream, I know I can't.  The
 painting of Father always reminds me of who I am, what I am.  I was born a
 Hellsing, I'll die a Hellsing, and in between, I'll live a Hellsing's life.

Father, I wish you were here.
Father, you would comfort me, even though I have failed you.

Falling in love with a monster.
Wanting something I can never have.
Desiring the impossible.

What of my duties?  What of my blood?  What of my country?  How easily I
 would discard them all if I could.  These things which are me, have 
created me, suffocate me at the same time.  Drowning in them, I can no 
longer breathe.  Can't, shouldn't, won't- the rules that I live by.

If I had never been born a Hellsing...
Then I would never have met you.
Then maybe, I would never have felt this painful loneliness.
Maybe I wouldn't be so weak.

The strong feed off the weak.  The weak become the prey of the strong.
  By loving you, you have become my master.  By loving you, I have 
become your slave.

I hate the weak.
Love is weak.
I love.
I am weak.
I hate myself.

To forget the hate, I try to forget myself, these thoughts, you.  There's no
 room for foolish dreams, no room for weakness.  In daylight, I can pretend 
to the world- and convince myself- that Hellsing is my life, my duty.  Love?  
What is that?  But night always comes, and the illusion shatters, falls to 
the ground into pieces, and becomes dust.

I wonder if you know.  Sometimes I think that you do.  You always read me so 
easily, so clearly, even when I have no wish to be understood.  Can you read
 my mind, my thoughts, my soul?  Am I that transparent to you?  If so, then 
you should know...

Even though these thoughts are hidden, which appear only in the dead of night
 when even you are gone... as I lie in bed, staring at the dark curtains that
 hang above me, waiting for sleep to relieve me of this life.

You may not dream, but we- humans- do.

Sometimes I dream of you.  Sweet, tormenting dreams.

But often my sleep is empty, endless, without past or present or future, an 
eternity of nothingness.  A sort of nightmare, where I am vaguely aware of 
myself, but only just so, and I walk down a never-ending path that leads to 
places that I forget the moment I pass by them.

Is that how it is for you?  Is that how you live?

They're useless, these thoughts.  But still they persist, signs of my
 weaknesses.

I wonder if this restlessness will ever end.
I wonder if you ever think of me, as I think of you.

"Alucard, will you ever change?"
Maybe you never will...
You will always be you will always be you.

Endless time.  Endless thoughts.  Endless memories.  Endless existence.

Will you ever change?
Perhaps you have.
Perhaps it's I who haven't.